Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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