I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize