My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
