if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize