if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
did i just pee glitter
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
