I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
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Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
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