Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
