I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
