So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
