I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My cat gives me a boner
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Randomize
