He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
