just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
only you would photoshop your dick
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the room spins SO much faster in panama
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
