Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
