5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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