There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
