The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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