What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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