I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
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When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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