I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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