You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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