i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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