a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
