I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
