i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I supernannyed him into submission
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
