I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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