just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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