Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
