I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize