we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What a dumb baby whore.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
