I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Randomize
