You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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