Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
