Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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