sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
