Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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