I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
