Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
