I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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