ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
