No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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