I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
