The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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