I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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