I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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