u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
