help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
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Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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