He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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