i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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