hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
