I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
