4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So here I am, sexting at work.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
