I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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