the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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