I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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