Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
