I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
