i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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