No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
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Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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