Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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