I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
