it hurts more in the daytime
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
