I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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